A Sort Of Ending

I'm moving out. After almost nine months, I have decided to stop blogging here.

But I'm still here.

See you there. Who knows, I might be back here.

Nobody can tell.

Thank you.

I Should Not Open Yahoo! Messenger While Blogging

Because I can't blog while chatting. Especially with a person I've been waiting for what seems to be a long time to go online.

I Could Hardly Believe Myself Talking About Not Wanting To Go Back To School

For the first time in my life, I don't want to go back to school.

This is perhaps apprehension. I am in my final year in college. As I used to say, I only have 19 units left. But along with those 19 units, I have extra baggage as well.

I will be holding positions in councils and organizations that I might not be able to handle well with a thesis to worry about. But I know myself. There's more to this somewhat fear of responsibilities that's lurking inside me. There's something more, existential.

Honestly, I did not run for council if I knew back then that I would just chicken out. I didn't accept the presidency of an organization if I felt like I can't do it. The fact that I am in my senior year is the sole factor in my sudden loss of interest in schooling, because after this year, what's next?

Being the eldest in a Filipino family, I feel a lot of pressure emanating from anywhere. Some people expect me to become the instant breadwinner. These people even imagine me taking my family away from the threshold of poverty, more of like a rags-to-riches story. But I don't think I can. There's just too much that I can handle, and I am now questioning my capability in entering the corporate world.

Nobody exactly knows what the future holds for them. But still, I keep on thinking about the options and possibilities. And it kills me inside that there might be nothing that good in store for me. If that happens, it would be sad to admit that schooling is a just big disillusionment.

As early as now, I have started applying for non-degree jobs. And to my disbelief, I was always rejected. The rejection is not the key factor to my disbelief. What surprised me is the fact that seemingly average, boring, and low profile applicants were preferred over the confident, intimidating, and possibly better-skilled ones. That's what I noticed. I can't help but feel bad about it.

And what if that same thing happens once I get around to applying for a job that fits my educational background?

That would be horror. That would be depression. That would mean four years at college wasted.

That would mean the end of idealism.

What Is On My Mind?

People think that I am smart. With all the awards and recognitions that I get from school and other extracurricular conventions, I can't blame them. And that led my mother to ask me one question which I just remembered a minute ago: what is the thinking process like for an allegedly smart person like me?

Honestly, I don't think of myself as a smart person. I have messed so many things in my life, so how could anyone assume that I am smart? I would rather label myself as an anal-retentive person with an eye for details.

When my mom taught me the alphabet, I instantly saw the patterns of sounds and letters. The same is true when my dad taught me how to read time. And numbers? I am no whiz, but if you teach me all forms of calculus, I will make perfect sense out of these formulas in due time.

Also, I am fond of thinking. I think of anything, from pompous philosophies to just any silly thing that crosses my mind. I like speculating on matters, may they be serious issues or banalities that go on and on. I also like to play my own imaginary games. Probably this is a main reason why I never gain weight. It's because I think I think too much, making me mentally stressed 24/7.

I cannot attribute sharp memory, playful imagination, and incessant thinking with being smart. It's true that I have some stocked trivial knowledge in my head, but that doesn't qualify me into the world of smarts. There has to be more than that to describe yourself with such a powerful word.

People tell me to stop being smart even for just a while. Well, I don't argue anymore with me being smart, although I still think otherwise. But the thing is, the more I try not to think, the more thoughts are there that cloud my mind.

Perhaps they should just shoot my brains out of me.

My Sisters Polished My Nails And I Like It

I admit, I am becoming addicted to the art of nail polishing. The problem is, I can't apply it on my nails myself.

Good thing I have meticulous sisters whom I share this passion with, and who also infected me of this fad I thought was vain and nonsensical. If that's true, call me vain and nonsensical. But there are also good virtues needed in this task. It takes patience and endurance to polish one's nails, even on the part of the one who's being nail polished.

Currently, my left toenails are painted frosted green, and my right toenails scream of fuchsia. And what about my fingernails? Oh, they are done in teal with random yellow speckles.

But I still prefer to keep my nails short. I can't work normally with longer than average nails getting in the way. I can't type with ease, I can't wash the dishes, heck, I can't even pick my nose, which is by the way, a pet peeve that I do in public.

If I am capable of distracting people by flashing and flickering my flamboyant fingernails, perhaps I would be able to control myself from doing such disgusting things.

On Mothers' Day, I Helped My Mom Slice Four Eggplants

I thought I could take the thought of not greeting my mom on this worldwide celebration. But I couldn't. I still did. I guess I will never get my revenge then.

However you look at it, I would still appear the ingrate if I didn't do my part on at least greeting her. What's the big deal anyway? What's with all those greetings?

Some people might think that these things are so sappy, yet we still long to be greeted on any occasion that matters to us. I actually hatched a plan to send an article to a national daily but I never got around to speculating the subject of greeting mothers on their big day.

Well, I couldn't even think of things to write right now.

I Am So Lazy

I don't want to go out. I don't want to think. I don't want to make plans. I just don't feel like it.

But I have to, that is if I want to make any sense out of my stagnant life. I do what to at least push my life for even just a bit, but I just can't escape from the ennui that is engulfing me in heaps. I don't know what's sucking me into this black hole. I have to get out of it soon before everything is a little too late.

Truth is, I can't even think of anything else to blog about. That's what laziness is, perhaps.